I don’t know what I need, so how can I get help?

Dear Mimi,

I don’t even know where to start. My son’s birth went almost exactly according to plan. I did great. Everyone said so, especially my husband, who was so happy that he got to catch our son. It’s once we got home that everything started falling apart.

I’d expected crying, but not this much. My breasts hurt. The baby’s screaming. And I’m so tired. I keep thinking, that maybe today’s the day that things will feel better. And it only seems to get worse.

I know my husband and friends want to help, but what’s the point of asking for help, when I don’t even know what I need?

Kiley

Dear Kiley,

I’m sorry it’s been so hard. And I know just what you mean. Figuring out what you need can seem like one more thing you have to do all by yourself. And how can you do that, when you’re feeling so empty?

As a doula, I’m an expert in identifying and filling the gaps in your family’s care after baby. Often that starts with just calming the chaos, which might mean shopping for groceries, ordering more coffee, cleaning out the fridge, making sure that the newest family member has diapers, and the parents have clean sheets and clean socks. That can mean soothing and holding baby, while you shower, eat and sleep. It can mean supporting you in your chosen way of feeding, and connecting you to local resources for any help beyond a doula’s scope.

It can also mean rallying and organizing your friends and family.

If you can’t hire a postpartum doula, here’s what I recommend. Tell one other person just what you told me. Tell them that you need others to pick up the doing, but also the thinking. Then show them this plan:

Have that person make a list of all the things that can be done by anyone else—if you’re nursing your son, that means everything that isn’t feeding: laundry, groceries, food, dishes, you name it, including Hold the Baby, so you can nap, eat, and shower—and then post it, via group text to your circle and/or on the fridge or somewhere everyone who comes over can see. Then, they can direct your support people and visitors take on those tasks, until you’ve had the proper time to rest and recover, and to make the acquaintance of your new baby. If they can’t take the time, or live at a distance, maybe they can help with a financial contribution towards help—like a doula’s—that’s available, local and designed to meet just these sorts of needs in the lives of new parents.

I’m wishing you all the best, Kiley. Please let me know how it goes.
 — MIMI

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