I feel like a motherhood imposter

Dear Mimi,

I’m 41 years old and I’m having a baby. I know I’m not the only woman to be pregnant in her 40s, but most of the people I know who are, are having a second or a third—or have been trying to conceive for a really long time. I wasn’t trying at all. We were happy with our lives as they were. So when the test came back positive, it was a total surprise.  Especially when my husband and I realized that we really, really want this baby.

Now, I’m scared. I did all the things they tell you: exercised and took vitamins, did the prenatal classes online, bought a crib with a safe mattress, and onesies and diapers. My husband can’t wait to be a dad. But I’ve never pictured myself as a mother, and suddenly it seems I haven’t got enough time to learn how to be one. I’m afraid everyone will see that I don’t know what I’m doing—including our baby. How can I stop feeling like an imposter, and start feeling like a mother for real?

Tracey N.

Dear Tracey,

Wow. That’s a lot! It’s only natural to feel overwhelmed. From “never” to nine months is a short a time to make such a big change. Even people who’ve spent years planning a pregnancy, often feel unprepared as their pregnancy draws to its end. So please try to be gentle with yourself.

Here’s a truth that may help you feel better: we’re never completely “ready” for parenthood, no matter how long we have to think about it. The reality of the experience is always different than we imagine. That’s one of the biggest challenges of parenthood, but also often the joy. And that goes for everyone.

 As for you, and your particular journey, you already have one of the greatest skills you’ll need to parent. That’s flexibility. You’ve proved it. Because when you discovered your mind had changed, along with your circumstances, you did what felt right for you. Motherhood—in the early days and as your child gets older—is going to ask you to stretch and grow a lot of times—even to reinvent yourself. And you’re starting out, knowing that you can.

 But you’re not going to be throwing out your old self, in order to become a mother. You’ll be bringing to parenthood all the things you’ve already learned about yourself and the world, and then you’ll add in new things that your particular experience brings. Because there are as many ways to be a mother as there are mothers in this world.

Use this time before the baby comes as an opportunity to celebrate who you are. Then, think about getting to know your baby as a person—and letting your child get to know you.  

Meanwhile, surround yourself with people who support your decisions and give you confidence in yourself. Maybe that’s your sister or a friend who has two kids already and seems to have it all figured out. Maybe it isn’t. You decide. Because as great as it is to have someone who can tell you where to get the best deal on diapers, it’s even more important to have someone to listen, when you have doubts. That person might be able to help you to solutions, but their greatest contribution will be showing you all the ways you’re already getting things “right.”

Now for some practical advice: if you’re able, hire a postpartum doula. Helping you make this big transition in a way that honours who you are, in a way that’s “right” for your family, is at the core of everything that I do.  

— Mimi

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